enough??

When is enough enough?

feeling left behind again

We finally have hit the 3 year mark of trying to conceive.  I feel left behind.  I feel like everyone else has moved forward with their lives.  I feel like my life has been at a stand still for the past 3 years, with a few set backs in there too.  I feel like we are never going to get our turn at being parents.  I just cannot believe it has been 3 years and no living children.

two years ago today

We found out two years ago today that we were pregnant with baby SC.  That was the one of the most wonderful days of my life.  The excitement and joy I felt that day was nothing I can even begin to explain.  I miss my baby so much that my whole body aches to know him/her, what he/she looks like, the sound of his/her voice.  No child will ever take the place of our first baby, nothing will ever take away the pain of losing our first child.

when you know, you know

A few weeks ago I already knew I was not pregnant and this morning it was confirmed.  I am trying very hard to not be angry or sad which I know both are ok to be right now but I am sick of be angry and sad every month.  I am trying to not be angry and sad that once again Christmas will come and there is no baby in our house or not one of the way to look forward to the next Christmas will be filled with the focus on our child too.  I'm already done with Christmas, I hate how this ruins everything and I know it shouldn't but it's hard to be excited about something that I used to be my favorite and now it's just a reminder that I don't have a child.  I'm ready to take down the decorations that we just put up yesterday.  Is it January yet???

made it

I made it through another holiday without my babies in my arms.  Thanksgiving was easier than I expected it to be, it was really Black Friday shopping that got to me a little bit knowing I should be shopping for our babies but instead I was missing them.  My mom told me in the middle of a hot flash while shopping, she told God that she would take having a million hot flashes if I could just have a baby.  We both started to get teary eyed.  She is the best mom in the world!

needed to share

My bfff shared this with me the other day and I wanted to share it too especially since these are things that are so hard to be thankful for but I am learning to be.  Happy Thanksgiving!

missing my family

I just realized I have not spent Thanksgiving with my entire family since...um I think never?  I am so thankful to get to spend the day with my parents and husband and Izzy but it really makes me miss my sisters, brother, sister in law, brothers in law, nephew and nieces.  I wish it was easier for all of us to be together.  I could not live without each and every person in my family and I am so thankful each and everyday for everyone of them and the part they play in my life.

not looking forward

I am already not looking forward to the end of the week/weekend.  I should be getting my period.  At least S is home for the weekend so I'll have him to comfort me and have him keep filling my wine glass.  Why do I have to be on the same cycle as I was 2 years ago when we found out I was pregnant with baby SC?!

distraction

Izzy has become my baby distraction.  I don't sit everyday wondering "Am I pregnant?"  I don't feel as sad as often.  We in no way shape or form were trying to replace our babies or having a baby by getting a dog but it sure has been a great distraction and might I say after last night a great learning experience to having a baby,  up at 1:30am to go potty, phone ringing at 4:50 am and back outside at 5:00am....oh yeah then up at 6:00am with Izzy and forcing her to stay in her crate until mommy was ready to get up at 7:00am.

just the two of us...again

Izzy and I are sad S is gone but we're glad it's only 3 1/2 days he'll be gone.  I really wish he wasn't going to be gone the following week.  It really make me appreciate him that much more and what he does for our family.  Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday please go by quickly!

turkey trot

S ended up coming home yesterday!  I am so thankfully, tis the season :)  I am so thankfully for the sacrifice he made to help me out and that he said it was ok for me to run the Turkey Trot today.  The excitement of the race was kind of lost for me because it was so cold but that quickly came back when I got to run part of the race with my niece she kicked my butt though!  My time was pretty good I finished in 31 minutes so about 10 minute miles, not bad for not running recently.  Now I'm looking forward to spending the next 24 hours with my hubby and Izzy!!!

sacrifices

I feel like the past 3 years have been all about making sacrifices.  We have given up a lot "things" whether it be going out with friends, vacations, etc. because of our trying to have a baby whether it's because we are actually in the middle of a cycle or because we just had another failed cycle.  And now I'm faced with making another sacrifice of not running a race because my puppy needs some stability right now.  Part of me feels like it's kind of silly to give up something I want to do for a puppy but I would do it for my baby/child.  Izzy is already such an important part of my life that I know she needs me especially when S is gone.  On the flip side I feel like she will be ok and a few hours won't be the the end of the world.  I am feeling really torn about what to do because I feel like I have already given up so much in the past 3 years for something that is just a mere thought and hope. 

fertility refund

The fertility clinic where we had our IUIs done is now offering a program for 70% of your funds back if IVF does not work for you meaning no live birth.  Why can't this also be offered for IUIs???  I understand IVF is more expensive and intense but not everyone can afford to IUIs then move onto other fertility treatments like IVF.

changes

The changes of our life, S's new job and our new puppy, are finally starting to set in this afternoon.  I am feeling overwhelmed and tired by having S in another state for 10 days straight while trying to take care of a new puppy.  I could go for a huge glass of wine but I think I'm just too tired for it.

photos of izzy

Here are a few photos of Izzy...

out this month

I'm pretty sure we're out this month as in not pregnant.  I don't think I ovulated while S was home and he is now gone for 10 days and no chance of us trying anymore.  Oh well go figure nothing new that I am not pregnant AGAIN!

izzy

On Saturday we got a dog!  She is a 3 month old black lab setter mix and her name is Izzy.  We just randomly decided to go look at dogs even though we had agreed to wait awhile before getting a dog.  After meeting Izzy, we were in love and could not leave the humane society without her.  She has the best personality although the puppy is coming out a little more and she's kind of bossy! 

It's pretty crazy how being a "new mom" can be so exhausting!  I guess I'll be more prepared when we have a baby :)

2 years ago

It was 2 years ago that we found out about our first pregnancy.  It just so happens that my cycle is following the same days as it did 2 years ago...kinda crazy!  It makes me kind of nervous at the thought of getting pregnant this month because of losing baby SC 2 years ago and that all the dates would be the same if I were to get pregnant this cycle.  I know I have no control over what happens if I get pregnant but I had the same fears with baby Sweet Pea and having an ultrasound at 7 weeks 6 days since I was that far along with baby SC when I started bleeding and found out I had a miscarriage.  In no way do I NOT want to get pregnant this cycle it just scares me a little more than I think it will anyway.  And to top it all off it could make for a crappy Thanksgiving if I'm not pregnant and to follow that up Christmas too...oh how I hate trying.

won't be the last

I know this is not going to be the last time I write about the saddness this time of year brings.  I have always "loved" Thanksgiving and Christmas, it has always been the most wonderful time of year but after losing a baby that changes quickly especially when you lose a baby right after Christmas.  We got married 2 days before Christmast because both of us "love" Christmas so much and now that's the part I look forward to the most about this time of year, celebrating my love for my husband. 

Yesterday was one of those days where everything is going great and then out of nowhere "it" hits like a ton of bricks..."it" being the reminder that I miss my babies, that my babies (I guess mainly baby SC as I'd still be pregnant with baby Sweet Pea) won't experience this wonderful time of year, that I won't be watching baby SC opening presents this year and actually understanding and enjoying it, that I won't be taking baby SC to see Santa, the list of won'ts goes on and on.  It's hard to pull myself out of the sadness or even be able to talk about it.  I feel so robbed of my future.  I want my happy back, I want my babies back.  I love you both to the moon and back XOXO

grief

After our second miscarriage I signed up for daily grief emails, today's bible verse really hit home for me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light" Matthew 11:28-30

renewed

It's crazy how a few days away from my normal daily grind can make me feel renewed especially in my marriage.  I feel like both S and I are really enjoying ourselves even though he is under a lot of stress and feeling a lot of anxiety with a new job.  I think this was a much needed vacation and a very refresing one at that.  I am also so glad I have been able to be here to help him easy into his new job.  How can anyone not feel renewed with free breakfast, a pool, napping, coffee whenever you want, cocktail hour, shopping within minutes of the hotel?!?!

the duggars

Go figure the Duggars made ANOTHER pregnancy announcement today.  It just kills me that I am sitting here reading about domestic infant adoption and there is a family who already has 19 children and now another on the way.  Maybe it's just my jealousy that it comes so easily for so many people who will never understand the feelings of infertility or loss.  I just think they are selfish to have that many children.  I can't ever imagine not wanting to help another family who may not be able to have children of their own via surrogacy or adoption. Maybe it takes a certain type of woman or couple to make those decisions but for crying out loud 20 CHILDREN!!!  It almost comes across as a game to the Duggars.  The dad sat there cracking jokes about not stopping on an odd number and there is enough room in their house since their oldest son moved out and got married, basically let's replace his spot in the house.  Ugh so annoying!

vacation-ish

I'm finally on vacation sort of...if Minnesota counts.  It's nice to be away from my job for the week, sort of since I still have to answer the phone and check email.  I am looking forward to doing what I want for the week though, whether that be laying in bed all day or working out or swimming or shopping.  My vacation started the best way possible...getting dropped off at Super Target for 3.5 hours!  A week of relaxing (a word not really used or liked in my vocab) is much needed and deserved if I might say so myself.

a dog?

We have always talked about having a dog but have always lived somewhere that did not allow dogs.  We can now have a dog at our current place, it has been a brief thought in my mind since we moved in but with how busy the summer was with work and being pregnant then miscarrying that thought quickly left my mind.  Well last night S said we needed to talk and our talk was about getting a dog.  I could tell he was really excited about it and he mentioned that this seems like the best time for us to do it.  Of course being the person I am, said things like what if I'm allergic or what if my mom is (she spends quite a bit of time here that it would break my heart for her to not be able to come here).  My biggest fear was that if I was allergic, we'd have to get rid of the dog and the trauma of losing another "thing" in our life (damn infertility).  I would love to have a dog especially since I'm home during the day and would have someone to hang out with while S is at work, I'd also have a running buddy!  After talking more about it we decided we'd start to look but also maybe wait a bit longer before jumping into this since S is starting a new job and dogs can be expensive so we'll see how our income is with his new job.  I also mentioned the fact that we are going to see a new OBGYN in January and that could be another added cost to our life depending on what she says is our best option for getting pregnant. 

i want a baby

It's a very well known fact that I want a baby but it suddenly dawned on me the other night I want to be a mother.  You'd think it wouldn't take me 3 years to realize that, let me explain.

My mom came and stayed the night because S was gone hunting.  She and I were talking about her work meeting she just came from and she told me about one of the teachers who asked for a prayer request.  The prayer request was for her 17 year old daughter who is pregnant, my mom went on to tell me that this girls mother was never able to have children and the children she did have were adopted.  The teacher expressed they do not know what to do.  As I sat there listening to my mom tell me this I wanted to scream out, I WILL TAKE THAT BABY AS MY OWN!  It was right then and there I realized I do not care how I become a mother but rather I just want to give my love to a child who will one day call me mom.

I'm not sure where this will lead us, I'm not even sure I'm ready to think about foster care or adoption but it is something that is on my mind now.

what IF...

what IF...

This video brought me to tears and I wanted to share.

getaway

I am really looking forward to getting away next week even if it's just to Minnesota for 5 days.  I need a break from the crazy life here although I have to keep the phone transferred to me and answer emails but at least I can screen all those calls and emails.  I won't feel so crazy having to be stuck in the house all day waiting around for a contractor, I thought fall was going to be much easier and laid  back so far it has not been that.  The phone definitely rings less, there are no showings but I still feel like I run around like a chicken with my head cut off most days.  I think I am really in need of a break and some me time, to do whatever it is I want for 5 days straight!

new doctor

I'm really excited to have an appointment set with a new OBGYN.  I'm really not excited to have to wait until January 10th. 

I had a pretty uplifting day yesterday that made me feel like I am part of the "norm" as we like to call it in our house.  The "norm" is someone who is experiencing infertility or miscarriage and/or someone who has, someone who actually understands the feelings.  Anyway I talked with two people yesterday who have dealt with both infertility and miscarriages.  I hate that we are a part of that club but it's always nice to know I'm not alone and to see there is hope because both of these women have overcome those obstacles in her life.  It truly gives me hope.

Back to my new doctor.  I made a list of requirements for a new doctor the two main things were a female and someone who was a little bit younger.  My previous OBGYN was starting to get old, she was supposed to deliver me.  She was just too conservative for me at this stage in the game, wait she's always been to conservative throughout this whole thing for 3 years.  I also was looking for an OBGYN who possible had an emphasis in fertility or could do in clinic IUIs, which I had found out there was one group of doctors who did that so that's where my search began.  I narrowed the field down to 6 or 7 doctors and then had S help me make a finally decision. Oh another HUGE requirement was that the new OBGYN was covered under both of our insurance plans, new and old.  With S's help we were able to further narrow the pickings to 2 OBGYNs and just pick one based off who had availability first.  Nothing too exciting to report about her yet aside from watching a video I don't really know her but from the video I really liked her personality.  I am really looking forward to meeting her and having an OBGYN who takes an active approach in my healthcare.

a new month

As today begins another new month I am feeling good, not the normal here is the beginning of ANOTHER month, ANOTHER month added to our journey, ANOTHER month closer to the 3 year mark of trying to get pregnant.  I am really looking forward to this month, there a lot of things happening.  S starts his new job next Monday, I am making an appointment today with a new OBGYN, and I am going to be starting new supplements from Shaklee.  I will continue to share about all of these things happening in our life, we are both feeling excited about the new adventures!