why?

I can't help myself from always going back to this one simple question...why?  I try to keep my faith and hope strong but it is so much easier said than done. 

This past week was very much a day by day test of that faith and hope.  Monday was day 28 in my cycle and when Monday came and went with no sign of my period that faith and hope grew a little stronger but in the back of my head I reminded myself that according to the positive ovulation test on day 15 I shouldn't be getting my period until day 29.  Tuesday came and went and still nothing, as did Wednesday and Thursday.  I was trying not to get too excited at the prospect of what this could mean, so I refused to take a pregnancy test and questioned is this even possible for us to be able to get pregnant on our own.  S as always is so encouraging and supportive, he even stopped and bought a pregnancy test for me to take on Friday morning.  My faith and hope kept rising and I even was able to talk about the possibility of being pregnant and how hard it would be for S to miss the first few appointments because of his new job training.  When Friday morning finally came neither of us could sleep I think mainly out of the possible glimmer of hope we could be pregnant...the test came back negative.  We decided to wait til Saturday if nothing happened, well go figure two hours later I got my period.

This past 2 years 10 months has been so hard with so many emotions.  It is so hard to have continued faith and hope that we will overcome this.  I'm so thankful to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life.  There is no way I could get through these days without the love and faith and hope that those people have for us.

beautiful message

Today I received this message from a girl who I went to high school with.  It was such a beautiful message and touched me so deeply.  Here is what she said...

I was so touched by your photos from the Remembrance day a few weeks ago. I know it doesn't make things any better, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for your losses. I've never been pregnant, but hope to some day, and I can't even imagine the pain of losing a baby. You are so strong to be able to get through it. It looks like you have an amazing support system.

I know we've lost touch over the years, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you ever need a friend. Ian and I live in 'tosa now, so we're not too far from you.

Lots of love and hugs.

memory box

Last night S and I finally finished our memory box/frame for our babies.  It was really hard to take the ultrasound pictures down off the fridge but I wanted to keep them safe always and this was the best place to do that.  S suggested we print new ones to hang on the fridge...good thinking!  We have it hanging in our bedroom on the wall opposite our bed so it is the last thing I see when I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up.

waiting

I HATE WAITING!  Have I ever expressed this before? (said with a heavy dose of sarcasm)  I wish I could keep my mind from constantly thinking am I pregnant or not.  I am constantly wishing I could see inside my body to know what is going on, is everything working the way God intended it to.  I am always questioning did we make the right decision by not doing another IUI cycle this past month.  We are now also waiting on our new insurance, well at least to find out how long before we have new insurance from S's new job.  Our current insurance will end November 30th.  We made the decision of not doing another IUI based on the fact we'd hopefully be seeing a new OBGYN at some point this past month, well that didn't happen.  So now we are in this crazy waiting period of not knowing what our next move is or what our options even are especially with S having training out of state in November and some of December that rules out another month or two of IUIs as an option since he is needed for the IUI.  I feel like I need to learn something from all of this but not sure what that something is and at the same time I feel like I have learned a lot of things and should have my chance at having a child with no more waiting other than a full 9 months of being pregnant to hold my baby in my arms.

so many meanings...

"Sometimes you have to put on a pretty dress and go to the party."

I made this up tonight while I was on the phone with my mom.  It seems to "fit" my life very well these days figuratively and realistically. 

new job

We are so thankful today that S was offered a new job with the pest control company he interviewed with earlier this week.  He will be starting on November 7th.  With every job there is always a few downfalls, glad to know these ones up front but as minor as they are I think they will be easy to overcome...I'm just not good with change.  That change being he has to shave his beard, which I love but when we met he did not have a beard and he also has to remove his earrings, the remaining 5.  Slowly over the past few years the 13 he had when we met has made it down to 5 and now will be none.  When he told me this the other day I started to cry, it's such a part of him both of those things I'm not sure how long it will take me to get used to it.  I am so thankful and blessed that I have a husband who is willing to make those sacrifices to have a new job and to better to provide for us.  There is one other temporary downfall to the job and that is his training happens for 3-4 weeks in MN.  I'm pretty bummed but know I have a wonderful, supportive family who I can spend time with to keep me busy.  We figured I can always go with him for a week since my job has slowed down quite a bit.

So excited for this new adventure!

so many

My heart is so saddened by how many baby loss parents there are in this world.  I've seen it on message boards and blogs but until this past Saturday where I saw it first hand, real people in our same shoes it really hit me.  I kept saying after how unreal it is to see that many parents and families all in one place for the same reason and then to imagine all the people across the US and around the world experiencing the same exact thing.  I hate being a part of this "club" but I love my babies and would do anything for them even if it means being a part of something I don't want to.

email to redbook

 I received an email about the campaign Redbook and RESOLVE are starting talked about in my previous entry.  Redbook wanted input about the article "The Invisible Pain of Infertitlity" and asked to send an email.  Here is what I had to say...

Thank you!  Thank you for taking the time and putting the effort forth to support the infertility world!  Both my husband and I suffer from infertility issues as well as multiple miscarriages.  My husband was diagnosed with a varicocele which was corrected via surgery and I have PCOS.  We have always shared our journey with our families and a few close friends but otherwise it is a secret life we live.  As the month of October approached, which is not only Breast Cancer Awareness month but also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month which goes hand in hand with infertility in so many ways, I decided to start to share my story.  I think the article "The Invisible Pain of Infertility" really touches on many aspects of the infertility world and suffering that goes on each day so quietly by so many women and men.  I have two issues with the article and basically every article out there about infertility, it always talks about IVF, making it sound like it's the only option or that it's the right choice for everyone.  My other issue somewhat ties into the IVF, it's about money/insurance.  I know bringing more awareness can help change those things but for a couple like us we do not have infertility coverage on our insurance, I'm sure like many couples, we've almost 100% drained our savings just trying to have a baby via IUI.  We were able to get pregnant via a medicated IUI cycle using Femara/Letrozle but that ended in a missed miscarriage.  Now we are at a stand still because we cannot afford to keep putting treatments on our credit card with no way of paying it off.  Along with the financial issues that come of infertility are the martial struggles, the personal struggles, the mental and emotional struggles almost on a daily basis.  I do truly appreciate you writing these articles and videos, bringing awareness to what has been deemed such a taboo subject for far too long.

Thank you,

Cassidy

redbook

I came across a post from RESOLVE about The Truth about Trying - Redbook.  Redbook has started a No-Shame Campaign about infertility and how taboo of a topic it really is, allowing for couple's voice to be heard and make the rest of the world more aware of this horrible disease.  There is also an article about infertility in Redbook.

october 15, 2011

On Saturday October 15 we attended Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day with our families (minus my brother, sister in law and 2 nieces who I know would have attended if they didn't live in Montana).  It was a day to honor families who have lost babies through pregnancy, stillbirth, and early infancy.  The event was planned by bereaved parents and Mikayla's Grace.  The day include a walk, dove release (which I wish we would have participated in because it was so much cooler than I expected it to be), bubbles to Heaven, and much more.  Shortly after arriving I was surprised by my best friend who signed up to volunteer but did not tell anyone she was doing it, it was the best surprise I could have received and meant the world to me that she came to support me and S.  WUB YA!  The day sort of felt surreal to me since we have never had the chance to honor our babies in such a wonderful way.  There were so many ways our babies were remembered and honored...I took photos of all of it and will include those below.

The day prior to Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day I received two awareness/remembrance ribbons from Claire, who I got to meet at the remembrance day.  S and I talked about how it felt good (for lack of a better descriptive word) to be the norm for once, with no one questioning you and not having to say a word to anyone but know exactly what they are feeling.

Later that evening we lit two candles in remembrance of Baby SC and Baby Sweet Pea.  Mommy and Daddy love you very much and miss you everyday! XOXOXO

pest control?

S has been looking for a new job recently, well more like looking for a new job ever since he started his current job over 3 years ago.  Without going into major details about why he wants a new job, S reached out to a very close family friend for help.  It was something I know was hard to do and I am so proud of him for taking that step.  Our family friend was more than willing to help him even though he did not have anything at his place of work at this time to offer S but he did know of a friend who just got a promotion with a pest control company and his position would be opening up.  So S decided to apply for the pest control position and received a call back today from the HR department!!!  He did a phone interview and will hopefully be having an in person interview next week if everyone's schedule can mesh.  This would be such a huge answered prayer for us.  It might not be his dream job or maybe it will be...he does love to hunt and this in sorts is like hunting just on a different level :)

good weekend

I feel like it's been quite some time since we've had a good weekend despite not feeling too hot on Saturday morning.  It was one of those weekends that was just fun and relaxed, one of those weekends that reminds me if we did have kids this type of weekend would not have occurred.  I know we will have babysitters willing at the drop of a hat to watch our kids :) (ok maybe a little extreme well probably not) but it still means not just heading out for pizza at 8pm on a Friday night then out for a bit of Christmas shopping afterward or laying in bed on Sunday morning watching tv and drinking coffee.  I am already beyond thrilled to be woken up early on weekends and during the middle of the night and not go out for pizza or drinks on weekends with friends to be able to stay at home with our kids but it was definitely nice to finally have a relaxing and fun weekend which was much overdue.

i heart running

I have read many articles about how losing a little bit of weight can help manage PCOS, so I started running.   I HEART RUNNING now!  Everyday I want to lace up my shoes and hit the pavement or find a trail, it does not always work out in my favor but that's ok too.

I have been reading more and more about yoga for fertility.  I have searched for a long time to find some sort of fertility based yoga in our area but nothing, the closest being in Chicago.  I was so excited when I found out that there are fertility yoga dvds out there which is great because it's only a one time expense opposed to an every time I go or class fee which can be very costly and not exactly what I'm looking for.  I've decided to add yoga to my routine since the times I have done it I love it and if there are health benefits involved for improving my fertility why the heck not!

i swore

I swore I'd never use another OPK (ovulation predictor kit)!  There I was yesterday in Walmart and I had this brilliant idea to buy OPKs just out of curiosity.  It was like I had the little angel and devil on my shoulders...angel saying,"don't do it's a waste of money" and devil saying,"do it, do it!"  Ugh and I bought them, $13 later at home peeing in an sour cream container only to see a negative OPK which is probably exactly right being it was only day 10.  I wanted to be as relaxed and enjoy this month as much as possible but here I am again in this stupid world of TTC (trying to conceive).  Oh well no turning back now...

none in the oven

I came across this website None in the Oven - Inconceivable yesterday via RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association.  An actress who has a real life struggle with infertility decided to make a web series about the ups and downs of her infertility journey.  It keeps the seriousness of infertility but with a light side to it as well that most of us living that same life experience everyday.  Sort of like my family watching me get my 1st hCG shot in the butt via Skype!

bereaved mother

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.  She is breathing, but she is dying.  She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.  She smiles, but her heart sobs.  She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.  She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

no word

"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses his or her partner, they are called a widow or widower. But, when parents lose a child, there isn't a word to describe them." - Ronald Reagan.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

Many people know that October is the nationally recognized month of Breast Cancer Awareness.  Most do not know that it is also the nationally recognized month of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness as proclaimed by President Ronald Reagan in 1988. What better time for me to let the world know what I am suffering through.  Some might laugh or think it's funny that it's such a huge and scary step to put that out there to the world via Facebook but it has been a secret for 3 years now and as perfectly stated by S, "it's who we are."  I'm not doing it for attention or people to take pity on me just for the world to know this is a topic that is taboo and needs support and attention.