edd

Baby Sweet Pea's EDD (estimated due date) is today.  It always bothers me thinking about the things I should be doing today like having a baby or or waiting impatiently for my baby to arrive but once again I'm not.  I realized yesterday that even though I've been super busy with work I've been avoiding thinking or talking about this day.  And the day is here and I still don't want to talk about it, I'd actually like to pretend it's just a normal day.  Not a day where I feel like staying in bed all day, crying for my baby that I will never hold.  Not a day where I feel like I got punched in my stomach and had my heart ripped from my chest.  I feel so different than I did with baby SC's EDD I wanted to celebrate that day which in turn makes me feel horrible but I know each day I grieve is going to be different than the last or the ones to come.

I love you baby Sweet Pea!

craziness

The past week has been filled with such craziness that I haven't actually had time to stop and think about what should be my due date tomorrow.  It's been helpful to have a lot of distractions. 

bad idea

We ordered a diaper bag online the other day...we're not even pregnant!  Was that a bad idea?!  Most likely it was a bad idea since it is to arrive on the 15th the day before what should be baby Sweet Pea's due date.  It was hard to pass up such a great deal for such an awesome bag...I suppose it could be used for something else if we never have children.  Here's what we got...

sick?

I get so scared when I'm not feeling well or am sick when we're in our 2 week wait to find out if we're pregnant.  Last year when I had my first 2 IUIs I got sick right after them and both were negative.  I know we didn't do the IUI this month but it still worries me, not that there is any reason I couldn't get sick and still be pregnant.

perfectly said

I found this blog posting by Small Bird Studios.  I could not have ever got all of these words out of my head to explain how it feels to lose a baby.  I love you babies!

focus

I feel like infertility has brought S and I closer together but I also feel like it is a driving force between us.  I feel like I focus so much on having a baby and not enough focusing on enjoying and loving my husband.  I know some may think it took 3 years to figure that out?!  Well I'd say put yourself in my shoes, what we thought would be such an easy, natural occurance in our life to have a baby has turned into 3+ years of tears, yelling, debt, heartache, question, etc.  I got sidetracked by my desire to have a baby and that's not the only reason I married my husband.  I am going to try to put more focus into my marriage.

too much

Sometimes our infertility is too much for us to deal with.  Sometimes our infertility interferes with our life and our emotions and becomes driving force between us as husband and wife.  I think sometimes we forget to just love each other, give one another a hug, just show each other how much we do love each other. 

finally a positive

I got a positive OPK this am but no IUI will be happening.

all negative

All 6 of the 7 OPKs have been negative.  So much for being hopeful.

this month

This month should be the month we welcomed a baby into our family but it's not.  I guess I can be thankful that this time around does not feel like as much of a blow as our first EDD with baby SC.