Forever in Our Hearts Remebrance Day

Since the loss of our second baby I have wanted to do something to remember both babies.  I knew October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss day and there are many events held around the US, so I was on a search to find one in WI.  I came across http://www.foreverinourheartsmadison.blogspot.com/ on the website http://www.iamtheface.org/ that had listings of events for October 15th.  After reading the two woman's stories who put the event together and how the money was going to be used I decided to invite my family to join us at this event in remembrance of our babies.  The Forever in Our Hearts Remembrance Day includes a walk, dove release, bubbles to heaven for the little kids, reading of babies names who have left this earth too soon, and an inspirational speaker.

I feel like this is a great way to continue our healing process and possibly connect with other couples who are facing loss as well.  For me it is important to do this to honor and remember our babies.  I am so thankful that my family has also agreed to do this, just wish the MT 4 could be there too.

poem

Grief is not a mountain to be climbed with the strong reaching the summit long before the weak.
Grief is not a an athletic event with the stop watches timing our progress.
Grief is a walk through loss and pain with no competition and no time trials.

I need to truly remind myself of this daily.

Healing

I honestly can say I feel like I'm healing.  I don't feel so sad and angry today or this past week like I had in the last few weeks.  I still have my moments of I should have a baby growing in my belly or a one year old running around but I don't.  I still have my hours/days when I don't feel like doing anything.  I do have an amazing husband, family, and bfff who continue to support me.  I am so glad I decided to give myself a challenge, something to focus my energy and time on The North Face Enduranc Challenge.  I feel like I'm in control of something, my own body something that for almost 3 years I have been angry with because it is not working the way it's supposed.  I feel like I am not only doing something for myself by running and eating better but I feel like I am doing something for my future child(ren) of creating a better environment for him/her/them to grow in.

My brain hurts

Seriously my brain hurts trying to wrap it around all the information I gather.  Yesterday I learned from a friend who is an o/b that an IUI can be done with ultrasounds, which really cuts down on the cost of the cycle especially for us because one ultrasound costs $495 and we have two done during a cycle.  He said that the cycle is just monitored with an OPK.  I was amazed this was even possible.  The down side to this, of course I Googled it this morning, is I don't think this will work for us since I don't ovulate on my own.  I'm debating if I should talk with him or another o/b again and they can look over my medical history to determine if this would be an option for a cycle or two to help cut the costs.  Ugh so many things to decide which I have time until my period arrives.

Laughter the best medicine...even for IF?!

Early Bird Catches the Sperm: A Music Video featuring Neil & Karen

And other videos featuring Neil & Karen...

Couch to 5K

I have given myself a goal, something to look forward to.  Why not make it something healthy as well?  OK!  I am going to do the 5K run in Sussex on 9/24.  I am going to get in shape by doing the Couch to 5K.  It is a 9 week program and I have 7 weeks to do it in :) I needed the motivation to get exercising again so this seemed like a great idea to me.  Today marks day 1, I am so thankful for the beautiful weather today so I am actually excited about going out and accomplishing my first day!

Cultures back...FINALLY!

One of the nurses called from my doctor's office at 7:55pm tonight to let me know my cultures for ureaplasma and mycoplasma were in.  The mycoplasma was negative but the ureaplasma was positive again, which I tested positive for back in Feb and we were both treated with antibiotics.  We are being put on a stronger dose of antibiotic this time and I'm being retested 1 week after I finished my antibiotic.  Ugh!  This could be the possible cause for our miscarriage but there is not guarantee that this was the cause either and there really is not much I can find at this time about the link between ureaplasma and miscarriages.  Just this Much remains to be learned about the exact role of infection in miscarriage, but both partners must be cultured for mycoplasma and ureaplasma, which can lead to recurrent losses if present.


So back to waiting again...

A friend

It's always good to have a friend who truly understands.  I'm thankful to the ends of the earth for my parents, siblings, and bfff for the support and love they give on a daily basis through our journey but none of them have experienced this side, thankfully!  Even my own husband cannot fully understand what I go through or vise versa. Yesterday for the first time I was able to talk to a friend who I knew was on this journey as well. We are in different places in this journey but that makes no difference to me. It made me feel ok, like I can help someone else and she can help me, like we are part of a secret club (of course one no one really wants to belong to, not cool like the babysitters club).  We just get it, all the hurt, the sadness, the ups and downs, the unanswered questions.  It made me feel not so alone in this journey.  I have always been thankful for her, she's been my life line while hanging out with S's friends but yesterday gave our friendship a different meaning.

Day by day

We made it through yesterday, even though it was a rocky/rough day and not quite how we planned, not what we planned at all actually.  But life is that way not quite how we plan.  I know we have to take it day by day and getting through each day is a huge accomplishment in itself. 

I am so thankful for my husband, the man who vowed to stand by me for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part.  And he does just that always supporting me even when we fight or have a bad day. I am truly blessed to have him stand beside me forever.

baby sc

Dear Baby SC,

Today, August 4th, 2011 would have been your first birthday.  I cannot believe how the time has gone by so quickly without you in our lives.  I miss you everyday and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you but I am overjoyed knowing you are in Heaven with no pain, no sorrows, no hurt, no sickness just love.  I often think about what you would look like, me or your daddy which features of mine or his you would have.  I think about what your voice would sound like saying "mommy or daddy" or what the sound of your cry would be like.  Although you are not physically here in our lives today we celebrate you.  I loved you the second I knew you were growing inside of me and I will love you forever.

Love you to the moon and back,

Your mommy XOXOXO

A wonderful dream or a nightmare?

I do not often remember my dreams but I do usually remember my nightmares.  I'm not sure which this was.  All I recall from my dream/nightmare, even though it was very vivid and real while it was happening, was that I was pregnant (still) and I woke up in the hospital and had given birth to our son.  I was really upset in my dream/nightmare because I was really sick and had to be put to sleep while I delivered our son so I had no recollection of his birth.  The only person who was with me was my mom, she kept telling me it was ok but I was very upset because I couldn't remember his birth nor was I allowed to see him.  I woke up in a panic because I did not know if this had truly happened or not obviously I quickly realized it was just a dream or nightmare.  I'm not sure which I'd classify it under because part of me feels it was a wonderful dream to have given birth but part of me feels like it's a nightmare because I'm not pregnant, I won't be giving birth to our son.  And mostly because it feels so real that twice I have lost my baby and many days block out those horrible days when my babies went to Heaven.

still waiting.........

and waiting...and waiting...and waiting...this is the story of our life.  At my doctor's appointment we found out that I still have tissue in my uterus which has shrunk in size since last week's ultrasound but it's still there.  I just wish I could know or understand why my body is reacting this way, why this is happening to us when we've already been through so much.  Why can't something just be simple and easy for us in our journey to getting pregnant or staying pregnant?  We did find out that some of the results of my recurrent loss panel were in.  The blood clotting came back all clear as did my chromosomes.  The lab lost or never received the cultures for the urea plasma testing so I have to go back in to have this repeated on Wednesday.  Really again can't something just be simple for us???  I just received a call from the nurse at the doctor's office with my hCG level.  It is 80.7, down from 809 last Monday which is really good.  My doctor said he does not need to see me again until I get my period for another ultrasound and hCG level blood draw.  He believes the tissue will pass when I get my period.  So that's that for now....back to waiting.......