rainbow

I hate to sound like "oh poor us," "our life is horrible," just in general whiny or that I'm throwing myself a pity party but the down right truth of it is that our plate is so full of negatives I can't help myself from sounding that way.  Both S and I were feeling on the up about our decision to be retested for ureaplasma and find a new OBGYN to get some input about our fertility, I even had spent much of the morning yesterday researching new OBGYNs.  We even had everything squared away with the financial end of thing with the fertility clinic so that didn't seem so bad anymore.  On Monday after I got home from dealing with the screwed up finances at the clinic S had informed me his boss had send him an email or maybe it was that she left him a voice mail either way it did not sound like good news but left it at "give me a call we need to talk about your draw account."  Just for understanding S has a draw account for work since he's 100% commission based, he has a set amount he is paid each week if he makes more than that amount it goes into the draw if he makes less than that amount the difference is drawn from the account to make up the difference which sometimes allows him to go negative in the account if he's not making a lot of money.  Well his work has been eliminating a lot of things to keep cost down for the company so both of us were pretty sure his company was going to be eliminating the draw account altogether and have to go to straight commission.  He finally got to talk to his boss last night on his way home from a very long day to find out that our suspicions were true, mostly.  The draw account was not being eliminated but the allowance for a negative balance was which for S means during his slow season January & February he won't be getting paid at all which also means we don't have insurance or he basically has til the end of the year to find a new job.  I wasn't overly surprised by this happening since I how poopy this company can be but it really hit me this morning thinking how much S busts his butt for that job, how much he has/does for that company.  As I was thinking about it I fell to my knees and all I could do was pray which feels like it came out more like begging the Lord for a new job for S, to ease this burden we both feel, to bless us with a child, to give me a sign of hope.  I knew I had to pull myself together and go check on some work that was done here yesterday.  I walked outside and go figure it started to rain but then the sun started to peak out and I looked to the west and there was my hope, my reassurance...a rainbow.

back to our old decision...

Ok final decision has been made...for real this time!  We are NOT going to move forward at this time with our fertility doctor.  After talking it over with my dad, he said he knew I had made up my mind about not doing another IUI at this time but talking with an OBGYN was the right thing to do.  I greatly appreciate the input daddy even if it's not always what I want to hear :)  More concerns have been brought up regarding the ureaplasma and that S was never tested again so there is no way of knowing that he is clear as well as I am.  So back to test for it again to make sure that the antibiotics worked for both of us.  And the search begins for a new OBGYN, someone who can be an advocate for me and S as we go on this journey.  It will be tough having to wait another month or so but we talked and know it's the right thing to do.

new decision

After many long discussions yesterday and the unset of my period, we've decided to do one more IUI while finding a new OBGYN or RE to discuss other options.  My head and heart are so torn in completely different directions at this moment.  All I can do is pray that this is what is right for us and the Lord will give us strength and guidance through this journey.  S and I are struggling very much right now with our faith,  many prayers for that would be greatly appreciated as well as a successful cycle.

big decisions

After an overwhelming week of fertility bills S and I have made some big decisions regarding our journey to becoming parents.  Our fertility clinic not only screwed up my most recent bill but sent S to collections for a bill that was paid in February and bills we never received  because the clinic screwed up our new address.  Now we've almost paid double what we need to we decided to try as best as we can to sort the bills out with the fertility clinic and then be done there.  Since our miscarriage and ending up in the ER after my doctor said everything looked fine, I have had this nagging feeling about going back there for more treatments.  Well I think this was God's way of giving me my answer I've been praying for, might not seem like the "nicest" way but it solidified my decision.  So after many tears and talking yesterday S and I decided we are done with the fertility clinic.  We also decided to find an OBGYN so we have a consult to find out a second opinion, possibly if we could just try on our own or if we need to go through fertility treatments with a RE.  I would also like to know if I should still be on the Metformin, is it really doing anything for me.  This summer my sister's friend who is an OBGYN had told me that IUIs can be done with ultrasounds which is the expensive part, so we might find out if this is an option for us.  I feel somewhat at peace with this decision just wish it would have come sooner like two months ago when all these uncertainties set in for me.

I DID IT!

I finished my first 10K trail race!!!  And my first race!!!  My time was better than I expected it to be, 1 hour 15 minutes.  I shed a few tears once I crossed the finish line.  I really didn't think it would be an emotional thing for me but it was.  Throughout the race during the times I wasn't so sure my body would keep going, I prayed asking for strength and endurance to finish the race.  I'm so appreciative that my family came out to support me and had so many encouraging words for me...and that my sissy ran the whole race with me!  I plan to keep on running, hopefully doing more races in the near future but if I get pregnant my race days will be short lived...for now!

Here are my official race results

weird dream

I never seem to remember my "good" dreams just the "bad" ones, the "scary" ones or the nightmares.  I think the dream I had last night falls into the weird category for sure.  I had a dream that my best friend just found out she was pregnant (crazy huh Tina???).  Now in real life this is probably the furthest thing from her mind being she's single (sort of), working on graduating grad school, training for a marathon, possibly considering her phd...you get the point hence why my dream was weird.  It continued on the weird factor when I called my mom sobbing and told her the news and she started laughing at me, again weird because my mom is the last person that would laugh at me when I'm upset.  I quickly hung up on my mom because now I was even more upset that no one cared how this effected me then I woke up.  I'm not sure what to think about that besides how weird!

On a non-weird note I have an obsession with caramel apples.  :)

I HATE YOU IF!

I hate what infertility has done to my marriage.  It has taken away all the intimacy between me and my husband.  We can't even have baby making sex without getting frustrated, not at one another but we know what the end outcome is...nothing.  Although S does try to be positive about it, me not so much in the moment.  It has put a strain on us that I can't even begin to describe and for what?  Some days I wonder if this is all worth it.  We both want a child so badly that we are willing to do anything to achieve that but is it worth it when the root of the family is getting destroyed at the same time.  So many people have told us we are stronger because of what we have and are going through, I don't agree.  There is nothing strong about not wanting to have sex with your husband and it not happening followed by being pissed you probably missed the only smallest window in the world to actually get pregnant.  I don't know what can fix this, I suppose a baby or completely putting an end to having a baby.  We've been told maybe we need a break but what those people don't understand that closing in on the 3 year mark of trying to get pregnant and have a baby is like telling an alcoholic to not have a drink.  It's almost like an addiction.  It's not that I want to be so focused on this but when I've had almost 36 months, 36 chance to have gotten pregnant and I granted I have been pregnant twice but sometimes I wish that hadn't happened at all because it seems to make it harder for me.

finally some good news

Yesterday I remembered 2 weeks had passed without hearing anything from my doctor's office regarding my reculture for ureaplasma.  So today I gave them a call, after being on hold for over 5 minutes and having to call back then wait for a phone call back from a nurse, I found out my results were NEGATIVE!!!  It feels really good to get some good news from the doctor.  I asked the nurse if I will have to continue to have cultures done for this and she said once it comes back negative it's cleared up and not a concern.  I'll take that with a grain of salt since I've tested positive twice for it and could have been a possible cause for miscarriage.  I'm feeling very thankful for no more antibiotics!

on our own

Everyday over the past week or so I have a consent prayer running through my head.  Please Lord allow for S and I to get pregnant on our own.  (This is what I used to do on my walk to work every morning when I was working downtown, I'd pray for a baby/to get pregnant.)

Last month I felt like my body was actually functioning correctly, I'm thinking I actually ovulated on my own.  I have no proof of this but sometimes a feeling is enough.  Now this month I have that same feeling, which wouldn't be such a shot in the dark that I ovulated on my own without fertility drugs because it's happened at least once in my life and we know that 100% since I got pregnant without any fertility drugs or help.  Some days I feel more hopeful than others and some days it really helps to have something to focus on in the near future like the race coming up this weekend.  So I continue to walk around and go about my daily routine possibly sometimes looking like a crazy lady talking to myself but I'm actually talking to the Lord, praying for a baby....again.

screw you facebook!

I am so tired of going on Facebook and seeing another pregnancy announcement especially since a lot of them happen to be due in February.  It's really hard to be happy for someone when your happy was taken away.  I can't even say congrats to anyone who is pregnant, haven't been able to for years now.  I actually feel sick to my stomach thinking about how all these friends get to have a baby and I get nothing.  It's very hard to see people so joyfully over something I long for and have had take away twice.  I guess time to break up a beer and enjoy the Packer game!

feels like fall

Today feels like a wonderful fall day outside.  I love it!  I just might pull out all my harvest decor.  I think fall and harvest still have a wonderfulness to them that many other times of the year have been lost for me.  I try to still love decorating for Christmas but after losing a baby right after Christmas does take away from the excitement that was once there.  And we need happy and exciting in this house, something to enjoy and look forward to.  So if that means harvest decor out in our house until Thanksgiving weekend so be it!  And I'm sure S won't mind the glass pumpkin candy dish being out that long either...it will be filled with harvest M&M's asap.  I'm so looking forward to sipping cider and seeing the leaves change colors....maybe this is the most wonderful time of the year (sorry Christmas)!

not funny

In the recent days there have been posts on Facebook about being so many weeks along and craving something which is supposed to bring awareness to breast cancer.  I never participate in these posts because I don't think it does anything for awareness but this most recent one hit so close to home I could scream.  I came across another blog http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html that explains perfectly what I feel as I am sure does any other couple going through infertility let alone someone who has had breast cancer or any other type of cancer and cannot have children because of the cancer.

a new year...kinda

Even though I'm not in school anymore or have kids starting their first day of school for a new year, my mind always seem to function on the school year calendar as a "new year."  It is hard knowing so many people in my life are starting "new" today, a fresh start so to speak.  I am too starting fresh (again) but just do not feel it.  Maybe it's my grief and my sadness of losing another baby that makes feel like nothing is moving forward but just at a stand still.  It feels as though the whole world keeps moving forward and I am just standing here watching it go by.  I feel like there are consent set backs along our path to becoming parents, ones that no one should ever have to experience but it seems we have to experience them all.  Just when I think I'm feeling good and we can move onto to the next step we get slapped with more frustrating news and it's five steps backward.  The most recent set back being we have to wait one more month until we can do any fertility treatments.  My doctor has not specifically told us we could not try on our own but there is an underlying fear for us that the same thing could happen again and set us back another few months.  This is where faith comes in.  So much easier said than done at this point in our journey.  I figure if I can set goals to obtain such as running a 10K (in 17 days AHHHHHHH) I can set other goals for myself as well, ones that are not as easily obtained.  It may sound silly to some that I am setting a goal to have faith and lean on that strength of my faith but over that past 2 years and 9 months we have been trying to have a baby my faith has wavered so much that I feel more determined than ever to put my faith and trust in God.  I know He has a plan for me and most days I question that plan and why I was given this route in my life but with out it I would not have my wonderful, loving husband or my amazing family.  My goal also will be to pray more something I have not been doing much of recently even though I see answered prayers all around me even my own.  I know I can not do this alone and that is why I am so thankful to have my faith in the Lord to carry me.