Nervous

I am getting so nervous about tomorrow's follow up appointment with my doctor.  I'm praying we get results from all the testing that has happened.  Ugh I hate waiting.

An empty house

An empty house, a quiet house = a lonely, sad, hurting me.  My mind is flooded with all the should have been(s) when our house is quiet, when I am here without S.  There should be an almost 1 year old just beginning to walk in our house.  There should be an 11 week old baby growing inside my body.  But neither of those are here just an empty and quiet house.  Just my thoughts racing, just me longing for my babies to be with me.  I keep starring at my phone hoping if I stare long enough it will ring with a call from "Dr Wittmaack 2" with answers to all my questions, closure to the never ending waiting for test results.  The easy solution to all of this is to get off the computer and get to work, clean the house, start dinner, go grocery shopping, etc. but all of those things seem meaningless to me because there is an end which I'm sure most people would think feels "good" to have something in my life have a beginning and an end but to me it feels worse because the one thing I want there is no end in sight.  So for now I will sit in my empty and quiet house.

For our babies

I wanted to share the remembrance gift the hospital gave us on Friday.  It's amazing how something so simple and small can mean so much.

We are planning to make a shadow box for these in remembrance of our babies, we will continue to add to our memory book we started after we lost our first baby with the few memories we have of our second baby.

Disease???

First off the good news we found out all of Steven's genetic testing came back clear! 

Second part the so so news, the doctor did an internal exam and saw the my cervix was closed and could see that I'm still bleeding a little bit.  He said that everything looked good.  Then he did an ultrasound which he said my uterus looks great as does everything else except the gray blob in my uterus which could either be product of conception aka pregnancy tissue or tissue that has continued to grow and is called some weird name that I can't remember but is a disease as well and totally freaked me out.  He was concerned it could be this disease because my hormone level was so high on Friday in the 7000s and the only way to rule this out was to draw my blood and check.  If it was this disease I would have to have a d&c.  So I had my blood drawn and received a call back from the nurse saying it was down to 809!  NO DISEASE!  My doctor is assuming I have product of conception still in my uterus.  There is no way of telling if I will bleed really heavy again or if my body will just reabsorb the tissue and return to normal.  I have another follow up appointment next Monday to have another ultrasound and blood draw.  So we're still in limbo until then.  The nurse told me if I'm still bleeding by Wed or Thurs to call her and she is going to have my doctor reevaluate again, she also told us that she is going to be our advocate...LOVE HER!

Answer to my question

I was so puzzled on Thursday when I started bleeding and the nurse at my doctor's office told me it was not my period but just my body trying to regulate itself well that was as far from the truth as it could be.  I was miscarrying AGAIN!  I had been having cramping all day Thursday but was able to manage the pain with Advil and Tylenol.  The cramping was getting worse by the time I went to bed so I took a half a Vicodin by 2am I was woke up because the cramping was getting so bad I could not sleep anymore.  I woke S and we went and laid in the living room mainly because it was cooler than our bedroom and I was getting so hot because I had the heating pad on to try and help with the pain.  At that time I took another Vicodin and tried staying distracted by watching tv.  It was deja vu all over again, same pain and feelings as our first miscarriage.  I kept thinking what is happening to me right now.  I was so confused since my doctor had told me 2 weeks earlier my uterus was empty.  How could this be happening?!  By 4am I was in so much pain all I could do was scream and cry, finally I made S call my mom.  She said it's time to go to the ER.  So slowly(because I was in so much pain I could barely move) but surely we made it to the ER.  I explained to the nurse I had a miscarriage 2 weeks earlier but was bleeding and had horrible cramping.  I was immediately taken into an exam room and not too long after I was given pain medication.  The rest is kind of a blur for me since I was drugged.  The things I remember were the nurse and ER doctor being very nice and gentle, the ER doctor doing an internal exam and saying there is still tissue stuck in my cervix and I would have to have an ultrasound then and D&C.  During the ultrasound I kept felling asleep by the time we got back from the ultrasound my parents had arrived.  An OBGYN came into talk to us and said she was going to remove all the tissue which she thought was mainly blood clots that were stuck in my cervix and I was unable to contract all of them out and why I was in so much pain.  She also was really nice and very knowledgeable which always makes me feel better.  She was confident that she removed all of the blood clots which did have some tissue in them still.

The best part, amazing that there could be in all that trauma, was that we found our baby would be buried and also be sent to pathology for genetic testing.  We were also given a poem, actually two, but one had a pin with it.  I will take a photo soon and post it.  I have been feeling like there has been no closure or grieving for this child, so this was very comforting for me that my child was knowledge by people who did not even know us.

I was told to call my doctor and have a follow up appointment 3-5 days later but when I heard back from one of the nurses at my doctor's office she told me Dr. W does not feel like you need to come in but I wanted to I could.  WTF?!?!  Like this hasn't been a horrible enough experience that now I'm questioning my doctor and not sure if I can trust him.  So I'm going in on Monday for a follow up appointment.  The never ending story continues....

Not a period?!?

I was so thrilled to wake up to horrible bleeding this morning (said with a heavy dose of sarcasm). I was already getting concerned with the fact I've been spotting on and off for two weeks now but this threw me over the edge.  I called my doctor this morning to express my concern about my bleeding and about a hour and a half later one of the nurses returned my call to tell me it's "normal" and not considered a period, no need to be concerned my body is just going to take some time to regulate.  Well that's just fabulous!  I'm so ready to move on so I can actually feel like I can grieve the loss of my child but no my body continues to torture me and make this a never ending process.

"Welcome to the World of Make Believe"

That title seems so fitting for my life, The World of Make Believe or pretend.  I make believe I am happy and that my smile is genuine, that my laugh is the same laugh I laughed before all this horrible mess started over 2 1/2 years ago.  It's all for make believe to make myself feel normal.  There is no normal in my life anymore.  No happy.  No smile.  No laugh.  Most days I don't even care if I get out of bed or brush my teeth or eat or shower or leave the house.  Do I continue to do those things?  Yes but not because I want but because everyone around me needs for me to do those things to know I am ok.  The reminders are everywhere for me.  In my own house, on tv, on the radio, at the store, at the beach, the list goes on and on.  The fact remains the same I should be pregnant, seeing my baby again this week bigger and moving around but I'm not and that reality hurts the most that instead I continue to have spotting which per the doctor is going to happen and I sit waiting for the phone to ring with "good" news that there are no major problems.  As the days go on I dislike this life I was given even more and more, why me?  Why do I have to be the one person who has to suffer through this?  It's just me against my world of Make Believe.