An empty house

An empty house, a quiet house = a lonely, sad, hurting me.  My mind is flooded with all the should have been(s) when our house is quiet, when I am here without S.  There should be an almost 1 year old just beginning to walk in our house.  There should be an 11 week old baby growing inside my body.  But neither of those are here just an empty and quiet house.  Just my thoughts racing, just me longing for my babies to be with me.  I keep starring at my phone hoping if I stare long enough it will ring with a call from "Dr Wittmaack 2" with answers to all my questions, closure to the never ending waiting for test results.  The easy solution to all of this is to get off the computer and get to work, clean the house, start dinner, go grocery shopping, etc. but all of those things seem meaningless to me because there is an end which I'm sure most people would think feels "good" to have something in my life have a beginning and an end but to me it feels worse because the one thing I want there is no end in sight.  So for now I will sit in my empty and quiet house.