I HATE YOU IF!

I hate what infertility has done to my marriage.  It has taken away all the intimacy between me and my husband.  We can't even have baby making sex without getting frustrated, not at one another but we know what the end outcome is...nothing.  Although S does try to be positive about it, me not so much in the moment.  It has put a strain on us that I can't even begin to describe and for what?  Some days I wonder if this is all worth it.  We both want a child so badly that we are willing to do anything to achieve that but is it worth it when the root of the family is getting destroyed at the same time.  So many people have told us we are stronger because of what we have and are going through, I don't agree.  There is nothing strong about not wanting to have sex with your husband and it not happening followed by being pissed you probably missed the only smallest window in the world to actually get pregnant.  I don't know what can fix this, I suppose a baby or completely putting an end to having a baby.  We've been told maybe we need a break but what those people don't understand that closing in on the 3 year mark of trying to get pregnant and have a baby is like telling an alcoholic to not have a drink.  It's almost like an addiction.  It's not that I want to be so focused on this but when I've had almost 36 months, 36 chance to have gotten pregnant and I granted I have been pregnant twice but sometimes I wish that hadn't happened at all because it seems to make it harder for me.

finally some good news

Yesterday I remembered 2 weeks had passed without hearing anything from my doctor's office regarding my reculture for ureaplasma.  So today I gave them a call, after being on hold for over 5 minutes and having to call back then wait for a phone call back from a nurse, I found out my results were NEGATIVE!!!  It feels really good to get some good news from the doctor.  I asked the nurse if I will have to continue to have cultures done for this and she said once it comes back negative it's cleared up and not a concern.  I'll take that with a grain of salt since I've tested positive twice for it and could have been a possible cause for miscarriage.  I'm feeling very thankful for no more antibiotics!

on our own

Everyday over the past week or so I have a consent prayer running through my head.  Please Lord allow for S and I to get pregnant on our own.  (This is what I used to do on my walk to work every morning when I was working downtown, I'd pray for a baby/to get pregnant.)

Last month I felt like my body was actually functioning correctly, I'm thinking I actually ovulated on my own.  I have no proof of this but sometimes a feeling is enough.  Now this month I have that same feeling, which wouldn't be such a shot in the dark that I ovulated on my own without fertility drugs because it's happened at least once in my life and we know that 100% since I got pregnant without any fertility drugs or help.  Some days I feel more hopeful than others and some days it really helps to have something to focus on in the near future like the race coming up this weekend.  So I continue to walk around and go about my daily routine possibly sometimes looking like a crazy lady talking to myself but I'm actually talking to the Lord, praying for a baby....again.

screw you facebook!

I am so tired of going on Facebook and seeing another pregnancy announcement especially since a lot of them happen to be due in February.  It's really hard to be happy for someone when your happy was taken away.  I can't even say congrats to anyone who is pregnant, haven't been able to for years now.  I actually feel sick to my stomach thinking about how all these friends get to have a baby and I get nothing.  It's very hard to see people so joyfully over something I long for and have had take away twice.  I guess time to break up a beer and enjoy the Packer game!

feels like fall

Today feels like a wonderful fall day outside.  I love it!  I just might pull out all my harvest decor.  I think fall and harvest still have a wonderfulness to them that many other times of the year have been lost for me.  I try to still love decorating for Christmas but after losing a baby right after Christmas does take away from the excitement that was once there.  And we need happy and exciting in this house, something to enjoy and look forward to.  So if that means harvest decor out in our house until Thanksgiving weekend so be it!  And I'm sure S won't mind the glass pumpkin candy dish being out that long either...it will be filled with harvest M&M's asap.  I'm so looking forward to sipping cider and seeing the leaves change colors....maybe this is the most wonderful time of the year (sorry Christmas)!

not funny

In the recent days there have been posts on Facebook about being so many weeks along and craving something which is supposed to bring awareness to breast cancer.  I never participate in these posts because I don't think it does anything for awareness but this most recent one hit so close to home I could scream.  I came across another blog http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html that explains perfectly what I feel as I am sure does any other couple going through infertility let alone someone who has had breast cancer or any other type of cancer and cannot have children because of the cancer.

a new year...kinda

Even though I'm not in school anymore or have kids starting their first day of school for a new year, my mind always seem to function on the school year calendar as a "new year."  It is hard knowing so many people in my life are starting "new" today, a fresh start so to speak.  I am too starting fresh (again) but just do not feel it.  Maybe it's my grief and my sadness of losing another baby that makes feel like nothing is moving forward but just at a stand still.  It feels as though the whole world keeps moving forward and I am just standing here watching it go by.  I feel like there are consent set backs along our path to becoming parents, ones that no one should ever have to experience but it seems we have to experience them all.  Just when I think I'm feeling good and we can move onto to the next step we get slapped with more frustrating news and it's five steps backward.  The most recent set back being we have to wait one more month until we can do any fertility treatments.  My doctor has not specifically told us we could not try on our own but there is an underlying fear for us that the same thing could happen again and set us back another few months.  This is where faith comes in.  So much easier said than done at this point in our journey.  I figure if I can set goals to obtain such as running a 10K (in 17 days AHHHHHHH) I can set other goals for myself as well, ones that are not as easily obtained.  It may sound silly to some that I am setting a goal to have faith and lean on that strength of my faith but over that past 2 years and 9 months we have been trying to have a baby my faith has wavered so much that I feel more determined than ever to put my faith and trust in God.  I know He has a plan for me and most days I question that plan and why I was given this route in my life but with out it I would not have my wonderful, loving husband or my amazing family.  My goal also will be to pray more something I have not been doing much of recently even though I see answered prayers all around me even my own.  I know I can not do this alone and that is why I am so thankful to have my faith in the Lord to carry me.