One month and Thanksgiving

Happy One Month and Thanksgiving my beautiful girl!  You are what I'm most thankful for.  I waited for almost four years for you and could not feel more blessed to call you my daughter.  I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

Where has the time gone???

I know everyone tells you when you have kids time flys and they grow up so fast.  I knew it would happen but until I was in the moment it was hard to understand.  Here I sit at home today but four weeks ago I had just given birth to our beautiful daughter.  It's soooooo crazy how quickly time passes.  I constantly feel like I've missed out on something with her or I won't remember these days when she was so tiny.  I told myself I would write everything down but of course that hasn't happened.  SO what have we done...

First visit to Dr. Pikna on 10/26/12.  Many trips to Target (of course) your first one being on 10/28/12 with mommy and daddy.  First visit to Gigi and Dudie's house on 11/3/12.  First walk outside in the stroller on 11/4/12.  Second visit to Dr. Pikna on 11/7/12/.  Coffee/playdate with Aunt Brwynnie and Teagan and Tatum on 11/9/12.  First visit to Grandma Barb and GrandBuddy's house so daddy and Dudie could hang Christmas lights on 11/9/12.  First sleepover at Gigi and Dudie's house on 11/10/12.  First trip to Hobby Lobby with Gigi on 11/10/12, we spent 2 hours there (you slept the whole time).  Met Aunt Christina on 11/15/12.  First night at home alone with mommy while daddy went hunting on 11/16/12.  Lunch date at Noodles with Aunt Christina on 11/17/12.  First night of screaming and crying ALL night long (5 hours +) on 11/17/12.

Most days we (you, mommy, and Izzy) hang out at home.  You sleep most of the day so does Izzy and mommy trys to get work done or relax.  We try to have playtime on your jungle play mat and tummy time throughout the day but that doesn't always happen.

Letting go

Over the past week I have a sinus headache everyday up until today I thought it was from the pressure system coming from Hurricane Sandy.  I am now starting to believe it's from lack of sleep and stress.  I try really hard to sleep when Charlotte is sleeping but she's a nosy sleeper and Izzy likes to snuggle with me but barks at every little thing she hears.  I also have been letting Steve sleep during the night as much as possible since he has to go to work so I continue to get less sleep and I'm pumping after Charlotte wakes up to eat so that keeps me awake for an extra 10-15 minutes.  I think I haven't been willing to admit that I'm stressed about not pumping anymore, things not getting done around the house, having to start work again and being out of the loop with what's going on with the property, missing out on Charlotte growing up (I know she's only 13 days old).  I know I have to let go of the control of these things and trust that everything will be ok and work out as planned (not by me of course).  I feel like I'm doing a good job of not letting these things bother me but in all reality I'm not.  I need to remember one day at a time and Charlotte does not care if the house is messy, the dishes are not done, work will get done and to enjoy every minute of my little girl as I possibly can.

SHE is here!

I had a rough night of sleeping, getting comfortable the night of 10/20.  I kept feeling like I was going to get my period which I've heard from numerous people this happens right before labor and I was also told the night before you go into labor is one of the best nights of sleep which also happened on 10/19.  I did not think much of either of these things after I got out of bed (we were at my parents house) so I took Izzy outside to play and just felt sort of uncomfortable which hasn't been too out of the norm for me.  Once I came inside I started paying more attention to what was going on.  I also had gone to the bathroom and had noticed a bit of blood when I wiped.  I mentioned this to S and my parents of course my mom immediately was asking a million questions about what it felt like and finally said you're having contractions and we needed to start keeping track of how far apart they were which they were too sporadic to keep track of. 

We heading home around 10am and I was still having contractions the whole way home and once we got home.  I decided to take a shower and try to rest but my contractions started becoming more frequent 8-9 minutes apart for about 3 hours then went to about 4-5 minutes apart and finally by 6pm they were 3-4 minutes apart and we called the midwife to find out if we should head to the hospital.  Once we heard back from my midwife she said to head on in to the hospital and we put everyone on alert that I was in labor. 

We arrived at the hospital sometime just after 7pm got hooked up to monitor the contractions and the baby's heart rate.  My contractions were still 3-4 minutes apart but I was also having cluster contractions, many hard intense contractions right on top of each lasting for 5 mintues in length at a time and I was still 1cm dialated.  By 8pm the nurse told us she wanted me to go walk around for an hour to see if this would help progress the contractions or dialation at all.  After our hour of walking was up the nurse checked me again and I was still 1cm dialated and my contractions seemed to be slowing down some closer to 5 minutes apart so the nurse wanted to check with my midwife what she would like to be done at this point.  We were told to go home by 9:30pm, given some pain mecidine to help me relax enough to either help things along more or to get some sleep I was also told to take a bath when I get home to help me relax as well.

I did as I was told and took a bath when I got home which was very relaxing especially at this point since my contractions had seemed to slow down a lot at this point maybe 6-7 mintues apart.  After a few minutes in the bath I started having more contractions again and with the second contraction I had I felt a small leak and then again and again, at this point I decided to get out of the bath and go lay in bed because my contractions were getting more intense and closer together again.  Once I was in bed my contractions started becoming so painful and close together, we weren't really timing them since I was in so much pain and with every contraction I would feel more leaking.  I knew my water had broke but I think I was a little bit of shock that this was really happening.  S decided to call the midwife again and she heard me yelling and crying and telling S that there was a big gush that time and she said to go to the hospital now that indeed my water broke.  We once again were off to the hospital after being at home for about 45 minutes and once again we alerted everyone we were heading in and told my parents to meet us there.

We arrived at the hospital just after 12am.  I was checked to see if it was my water that broke and the nurse confirmed this so I was admitted right away.  Once we were situated in our labor and delivery room I was hooked up to an IV and monitors for my contractions and the baby's heart rate.  The nurse checked me and I was just about 1 1/2cm dialated and by then my parents had arrived.  The nurse was going to let my midwife know my status.  My midwife said I could either take pain medication or have an epidural, thank goodness my mom asked if I could have both since I could get the pain medication right away while waiting for the epidural.  My contractions were very intense and painful and the pain medication really took the edge off the pain until I got the epidural.  I expected the epidural process to be very uncomfortable and that I would freak out during it but it went really well thanks to my mom who I had stay with me during that.  By then the nurse checked me and I was 2cm dialated at 2am and she said to get some sleep, so that's what we all did or at least tried.  The epidural was AMAZING all I could feel was pressure instead of extreme intense pain.  By 3am the nurse was back and I was 3cm dialated.  Over the next hour I started to feel painful contractions again so around 4am my mom paged the nurse back in and she said she would check me again because my midwife wanted an updated.  The nurse said the reason I was feeling the contractions again was because I was 10cm dialated!  I was told to boost the epidural 3 more times over the next 25 minutes because we had to wait for my midwife to get to the hospital, little did we all know she was already there waiting to deliver my baby!  I started pushing around 4:30am...which at first I was in good spirits just due the excitement of meeting our baby.  Throughout the pushing my midwife was explaining that the baby had it's hand up by it's face which was making things harder on me, my cervix was slipping back down on the baby's head, I couldn't feel my contractions so I wasn't sure when to push.  The excitement quickly became an overwhelming and frustrating experience.  I wanted to give up and kept telling everyone that.  I remember repeating over and over and over I'm done, I can't, I have no energy, I couldn't even open my eyes because I was so upset and didn't want to look at anyone in the room.  At one point my mom came to my side and was trying to calm me down but I pushed her away quickly, I also yelled at S for how he was holding my leg and yelled some more about not wanting to do this anymore.  Everyone in the room was so great despite what I thought at that time.  Everyone was so encouraging and calm.  I tried to not look at the clock since I knew it would frustrate me even more to know how long this had been going on.  With a few more words of encouragement our baby entered the world.  The midwife turned the baby around and...

I said "that's a girl!" (I thought she was a he :))  Everyone was crying and hugging and kissing all while the midwife was tending to my tear and bleeding that was pretty intense due to a very large blood clot I had.

Charlotte Marie was born at 7:51am weighing 7 lbs 9 oz and 20 1/2 in long!

39 weeks

Sort of funny to be writing about my 39th week of pregnancy when today is my due date but we've been a little busy.

On Friday 10/19/12 we went to my 39 week appointment.  I still was not dialated beyond 1 cm but my cervix was soft and baby's head was down.  My midwife did comment on how my belly looked very different at first she thought maybe the baby had turned was now breach but that turned out not to be the case.  The midwife had also told us to be prepared to talk about inducing at my 40 week appointment and most likely she'd be seeing us then but that she was on call over the weekend.  So we decided to head to my parents for a wonderful relaxing weekend.

October 15th

Today is recognized as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  A year ago we were celebrating our two babies at a remembrance walk.  Today I am 38 weeks 3 days pregnant.  What a difference a year makes.  I do not need a day to remember my babies but I will take this day to celebrate them so the world knows about them because they were gone too soon.  I love you baby SC and baby Sweet Pea, you will forever be in my heart!

38 weeks

After our 38 week appointment there is not much to report since when the midwife checked me she said my cervix was behind the baby's head and did not want to put me through that much pain to find out if I was dialated more than the 1cm I was last week.  I am having contractions that I didn't know where contractions.  I had one at my appointment and my midwife pointed it out, I thought it was the baby sticking it's butt out :)  Otherwise everything is still great with the baby and me minus having turned into an emotional mess more than I normally am.  Every morning I'm crabby and eventually have a breakdown and sob usually to S on the phone.