why?

I can't help myself from always going back to this one simple question...why?  I try to keep my faith and hope strong but it is so much easier said than done. 

This past week was very much a day by day test of that faith and hope.  Monday was day 28 in my cycle and when Monday came and went with no sign of my period that faith and hope grew a little stronger but in the back of my head I reminded myself that according to the positive ovulation test on day 15 I shouldn't be getting my period until day 29.  Tuesday came and went and still nothing, as did Wednesday and Thursday.  I was trying not to get too excited at the prospect of what this could mean, so I refused to take a pregnancy test and questioned is this even possible for us to be able to get pregnant on our own.  S as always is so encouraging and supportive, he even stopped and bought a pregnancy test for me to take on Friday morning.  My faith and hope kept rising and I even was able to talk about the possibility of being pregnant and how hard it would be for S to miss the first few appointments because of his new job training.  When Friday morning finally came neither of us could sleep I think mainly out of the possible glimmer of hope we could be pregnant...the test came back negative.  We decided to wait til Saturday if nothing happened, well go figure two hours later I got my period.

This past 2 years 10 months has been so hard with so many emotions.  It is so hard to have continued faith and hope that we will overcome this.  I'm so thankful to have so many wonderful, supportive people in my life.  There is no way I could get through these days without the love and faith and hope that those people have for us.

beautiful message

Today I received this message from a girl who I went to high school with.  It was such a beautiful message and touched me so deeply.  Here is what she said...

I was so touched by your photos from the Remembrance day a few weeks ago. I know it doesn't make things any better, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for your losses. I've never been pregnant, but hope to some day, and I can't even imagine the pain of losing a baby. You are so strong to be able to get through it. It looks like you have an amazing support system.

I know we've lost touch over the years, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here if you ever need a friend. Ian and I live in 'tosa now, so we're not too far from you.

Lots of love and hugs.

memory box

Last night S and I finally finished our memory box/frame for our babies.  It was really hard to take the ultrasound pictures down off the fridge but I wanted to keep them safe always and this was the best place to do that.  S suggested we print new ones to hang on the fridge...good thinking!  We have it hanging in our bedroom on the wall opposite our bed so it is the last thing I see when I go to bed and the first thing I see when I wake up.

waiting

I HATE WAITING!  Have I ever expressed this before? (said with a heavy dose of sarcasm)  I wish I could keep my mind from constantly thinking am I pregnant or not.  I am constantly wishing I could see inside my body to know what is going on, is everything working the way God intended it to.  I am always questioning did we make the right decision by not doing another IUI cycle this past month.  We are now also waiting on our new insurance, well at least to find out how long before we have new insurance from S's new job.  Our current insurance will end November 30th.  We made the decision of not doing another IUI based on the fact we'd hopefully be seeing a new OBGYN at some point this past month, well that didn't happen.  So now we are in this crazy waiting period of not knowing what our next move is or what our options even are especially with S having training out of state in November and some of December that rules out another month or two of IUIs as an option since he is needed for the IUI.  I feel like I need to learn something from all of this but not sure what that something is and at the same time I feel like I have learned a lot of things and should have my chance at having a child with no more waiting other than a full 9 months of being pregnant to hold my baby in my arms.

so many meanings...

"Sometimes you have to put on a pretty dress and go to the party."

I made this up tonight while I was on the phone with my mom.  It seems to "fit" my life very well these days figuratively and realistically. 

new job

We are so thankful today that S was offered a new job with the pest control company he interviewed with earlier this week.  He will be starting on November 7th.  With every job there is always a few downfalls, glad to know these ones up front but as minor as they are I think they will be easy to overcome...I'm just not good with change.  That change being he has to shave his beard, which I love but when we met he did not have a beard and he also has to remove his earrings, the remaining 5.  Slowly over the past few years the 13 he had when we met has made it down to 5 and now will be none.  When he told me this the other day I started to cry, it's such a part of him both of those things I'm not sure how long it will take me to get used to it.  I am so thankful and blessed that I have a husband who is willing to make those sacrifices to have a new job and to better to provide for us.  There is one other temporary downfall to the job and that is his training happens for 3-4 weeks in MN.  I'm pretty bummed but know I have a wonderful, supportive family who I can spend time with to keep me busy.  We figured I can always go with him for a week since my job has slowed down quite a bit.

So excited for this new adventure!

so many

My heart is so saddened by how many baby loss parents there are in this world.  I've seen it on message boards and blogs but until this past Saturday where I saw it first hand, real people in our same shoes it really hit me.  I kept saying after how unreal it is to see that many parents and families all in one place for the same reason and then to imagine all the people across the US and around the world experiencing the same exact thing.  I hate being a part of this "club" but I love my babies and would do anything for them even if it means being a part of something I don't want to.