out again

It's so hard when you're trying to get pregnant all the disappointment that comes along the way, well I guess not for those who only have to try once or twice and actually have a baby nine months later.  Now once again the disappointment falls on knowing we're out again for this month...how do I know so soon one might ask themselves...well to get pregnant you have to have sex and that has not happened and IF I ovulated that window was missed because of not having had sex.  I'm sure I could be to blame in this area that I did not take the initiative but nor did S.  It seems like we're back to him never wanting to talk about baby stuff, him never wanting to bring it up for who knows what reason, him never checking in.  I'm upset but don't feel like saying anything because I'm sick of the arguments that surround our infertility and trying to have a baby.  This is supposed to be an exciting time in our life, a happy time, a joyous time that we share together yet it seems to drive us apart so often.  Maybe he has something to say about but I'm sick of asking and being the one who brings it up all the time.  It makes me feel like I'm the only one who wants this and that he's just along for the ride and will do whatever I want.  I'm so sick, literally sick to my stomach, of the disappointments.  The disappointments that get in the way of my entire life, of focusing on anything but those disappointments.  I sort of want to throw in the towel and be done with all of this.  I want the horrible punishment to be put to an end (yeah I know I'm not be punished but when this is the life I've been given not much else to think than that).  I want to feel normal.  I want to know what it feels like to go out into the world and not feel like everyone is looking at me funny, like they know I'm broken.