waiting for a sign

A positive sign on the ovulation test that is!  I was planning to start the OPKs on Saturday but forgot to pick some up then Sunday came and I wasn't feeling good so I did my first one today and it was a big fat negative!  Oh how I hate OPKs, so much conflicting information about them and when to use them morning or afternoon.  I guess it will be a guessing/waiting game just like everything else in this journey.

try, try, try, try again

I started taking Letrozole again today for our 4th IUI cycle.  I'm feeling indfferent about it but trying to feel positive and hopefully about this cycle.

repetitive

I feel so repetitive when I blog.  I started this blog as an easy way for me to express my thoughts and feelings throughout our journey to parenthood but also an easy way to keep our families informed about fertility treatments and what not.  The problem I'm having is I feel like I write about the same thing every time I write, how sad I am, how I miss our babies, how life seems not fair, etc.  (sorry for being such a downer)  And now it's S's birthday and I feel like more bad news looms in the near future that being my period.  I don't want to get it at all but really today?  Why always on important days?  Why always on days I want to celebrate and enjoy my life?  I'm so tired of this, maybe it is time to throw in the towel and live childfree.  Maybe this will be us?!

my heart just sank

I feel like every other day someone I know is announcing a pregnancy.  I just saw/read another of a couple that just got married this summer and I was pregnant at their wedding.  It makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking that my baby won't be arriving in a month that I don't get my happy ending.  Maybe soon...

down the road again

We are thinking of heading down the road of fertility treatments again but this time on a lesser level; no ultrasounds, no hCG shot, no progesterone basically I'd be taking Letrozole again, doing OPKs and having an IUI just a little help in the baby making area from my OB.  We still have a little over a week to decide what we are going to do. 

what do i want

I'm feeling very anxious about my OB appointment today especially since S can't go.  I just feel like I'm scared to be asked questions that I'm not sure I have a clear answer to right now ie what do I want (move forward with fertility treatments that sort of thing).  I am having a battle in my head and heart right now about what I want.  I'm not sure if I will ever have a clear answer although I am praying hard for one.  My heart desires to have a biological child, to experience a pregnancy that in the end gives us a living baby, to wear the maternity clothes that have been sitting in a container for 2 years now.  But...my heart also desires to just have a baby no matter the means of having one.  More to come....

adoption

S and I had a very serious conversation yesterday about adoption, serious in the sense we are going to start looking into it.  We requested information to attend an informative meeting this Wednesday night.  S feels like no matter how we come to be parents his experience is different than mine even if we have a biological child, mainly because he does not actually experience the pregnancy.  It's not that he does not want to have a child that is his own flesh and blood, he is tired of the fertility treatments and the heartache that it brings.  He also said it does not matter how he becomes a dad.  I have an amazing husband, I know it took an extreme amount of courage to talk about this especially knowing adoption means giving up my hopes and dreams of being pregnant.  I agree that adoption is a path I'm ready to start walking down but I'm also not 100% ready to give up on fertility treatments.  I hope we are able to go to the meeting on Wednesday night which would work out great since my new OB appointment is tomorrow, we'd at least be able to receive a lot of information to talk about this week.