sisters

My sisters rock.  We've had many ups and downs but no matter what they have been an amazing support for me.  It means the world to me that they check in with me, cry with me, laugh with me, tell me things I may or may not want to hear.  I love my sisters!

st. nick

It was so exciting to share St. Nick with S once we were married, St. Nick might have even came when we were dating but I can't remember.  St. Nick has always been a wonderful "holiday" with wonderful memories ever since I can remember, the anticipation and excitement of seeing my stocking filled and overflowing with candy, toys, socks, etc.  I loved being able to carry on this with my husband and always looked forward to the day when I could have an extra stocking for my child or children.  My dreams were so quickly taken away of being able to do this for baby SC and baby Sweet Pea but now there is Izzy.  S bought Izzy a stocking while he was doing his work training in MN.  St. Nick spoiled her rotten!  It was pretty fun to watch her steal a treat away from her stocking this morning, I can only imagine how fun it will be to watch my children do this one day.  Happy St. Nick and Happy 31st Anniversary to my parents!

hard decision

A while back I received an invitation to a remembrance candle service for babies gone too soon.  At first I was all for going, then about a week ago I was not so sure I wanted to attend.  I cannot really explain why I don't want to go at this point and part of me still wants to go a little bit but we decided to not go.  I miss my babies and I am so sad they are not here to celebrate Christmas.

frustration

Having a new puppy has caused a few frustrations in this house.  The frustrations keep coming up between S and I.  It's hard to not think this is how it would be IF we EVER have kids.  I feel like I have to take all responsibility of the not fun stuff ie getting up early, cleaning up after Izzy, house training, etc.  I hate the added overwhelming feeling of stress right now.

focus

I can't seem to keep focus on anything but the fact that we don't have our babies in our arms.  I can't stop focusing on why do we have to face this.  I felt like I was doing so well for quite some time but now I'm back to being angry and sad on a daily basis.  I hate feeling like this and don't know how to get out of this.  I feel stuck.  I wish I could focus on the joys of my life.  I just with I could focus long enough on anything but my loss.

my new happy

december

Where has this year gone?  Despite there having been a lot of changes in 2011 for S and I, I feel like nothing has changed.  Maybe it's because we are no closer to expanding our family than we were at the beginning of the year or even three years ago.  It is hard to imagine at this point that next year we will have a baby in our arms, I still hope for that but don't know how to trust and believe that the Lord has plans for us.  I guess I'm just not liking these plans that were given to us.  The past few days have been very hard, lots of tears and sadness, even angry.  I'm not sure what to do with myself or how to move forward.  It really doesn't make things easy when we are approaching Christmas without our first baby and now without our second on the way.  I wish there was an easy button for life especially this week, maybe even for this month.